Many people who I work with and who I know personally struggle with having a strict inner critic or judge. They wonder how this came into being and what its effects are.
THE INNER JUDGE:
Children who grew up with parents and/or caregivers, including teachers and spiritual advisors, who were consistently critical, condemning and belittling, intolerant of short comings, intolerant of children simply being or acting like children, intrusive of physical and/or emotionally and/or sexual boundaries, narcissistic and egocentric (essentially they were overly involved with themselves and could not focus on their child) and emotionally distant, who exploited their children, could not provide emotional nurturance, who put forth incessant demands for better conduct and more achievement, yelled and screamed, had rigid expectations and who unfavorably compared their child to others.
this and not know why. As such, it is a “free floating” pain not necessarily associated with an event or situation. It results in feeling low grade anger and/or in bursts of fury. The anger will often exceed what the situation warrants. It manifests as hopelessness and chronic disappointment. Even when on the surface there is reason to be hopeful a person isn't and even when things are going well a person will feel chronically disappointed. Because there are consistent unrealistic expectations a person is set up for failure. They simply cannot succeed because their expectations are unrealistic and unachievable.
No matter what one does it is not enough, no matter how one is, it is not good enough, no matter how one performs they feel like they fall short. Because a person is afraid to fail or make a mistake they often don’t take action (this might even include something that is fun). People will also believe that they are making
mistakes when they aren’t. They will think that they did poorly on a test or with a presentation yet their grade or feedback will contradict this. Yet, when positive feedback is given it is often disbelieved. Or they may be overly afraid of making mistakes. This fear will often prevent them from taking healthy action. And they often feel that the job they are doing will be criticized.
Once again no matter what they do or how they are or how things are it is not good enough. A person may fee chronically guilty about what they are, or not, doing. This could be simply when they are caring for themselves, setting healthy limits or saying no to a request. A person with a strong inner critic also has difficulty relaxing and having fun. There is an underlying sense of dis-ease and dread. When someone wants to spend time with them they feel unworthy and question the person’s motivation. They might ask themselves, “Why would anyone want to spend time with me?; Other people see and feel their
goodness yet they cannot. Also very present is a very strong sense of shame. It is important to differentiate between guilt and shame. Guilt relates to feeling badly about what someone does or does not do while shame is related to who someone is and how they feel about themselves. What we do varies and fluctuates. Who we are and how we feel about ourselves is more permanent.
As such, while guilt and shame are both painful, shame is the deeper and more pervasive pain. So, as you can see, there is an explanation for how the inner judge comes into being and for the pain that it causes.
THE INNER JUDGE:
- is consistently punitive,harsh, critical, condemning and belittling.
- has an incessant demand for better conduct and more achievement.
- is overly strict, punitive and forbidding and therefore restricts freedom of action
- is an internalization of parental and societal disapproval and rebuke.
- is often unconscious which makes it more powerful, hurtful and insidious.
Children who grew up with parents and/or caregivers, including teachers and spiritual advisors, who were consistently critical, condemning and belittling, intolerant of short comings, intolerant of children simply being or acting like children, intrusive of physical and/or emotionally and/or sexual boundaries, narcissistic and egocentric (essentially they were overly involved with themselves and could not focus on their child) and emotionally distant, who exploited their children, could not provide emotional nurturance, who put forth incessant demands for better conduct and more achievement, yelled and screamed, had rigid expectations and who unfavorably compared their child to others.
EFFECTS OF THE INNER JUDGE
Having a strong inner judge and this type of personality structure results in high levels of anxiety, depression and guilt, all of which contributes to disturbances of mood. Quite often a person may feel likethis and not know why. As such, it is a “free floating” pain not necessarily associated with an event or situation. It results in feeling low grade anger and/or in bursts of fury. The anger will often exceed what the situation warrants. It manifests as hopelessness and chronic disappointment. Even when on the surface there is reason to be hopeful a person isn't and even when things are going well a person will feel chronically disappointed. Because there are consistent unrealistic expectations a person is set up for failure. They simply cannot succeed because their expectations are unrealistic and unachievable.
No matter what one does it is not enough, no matter how one is, it is not good enough, no matter how one performs they feel like they fall short. Because a person is afraid to fail or make a mistake they often don’t take action (this might even include something that is fun). People will also believe that they are making
mistakes when they aren’t. They will think that they did poorly on a test or with a presentation yet their grade or feedback will contradict this. Yet, when positive feedback is given it is often disbelieved. Or they may be overly afraid of making mistakes. This fear will often prevent them from taking healthy action. And they often feel that the job they are doing will be criticized.
Once again no matter what they do or how they are or how things are it is not good enough. A person may fee chronically guilty about what they are, or not, doing. This could be simply when they are caring for themselves, setting healthy limits or saying no to a request. A person with a strong inner critic also has difficulty relaxing and having fun. There is an underlying sense of dis-ease and dread. When someone wants to spend time with them they feel unworthy and question the person’s motivation. They might ask themselves, “Why would anyone want to spend time with me?; Other people see and feel their
goodness yet they cannot. Also very present is a very strong sense of shame. It is important to differentiate between guilt and shame. Guilt relates to feeling badly about what someone does or does not do while shame is related to who someone is and how they feel about themselves. What we do varies and fluctuates. Who we are and how we feel about ourselves is more permanent.
As such, while guilt and shame are both painful, shame is the deeper and more pervasive pain. So, as you can see, there is an explanation for how the inner judge comes into being and for the pain that it causes.
ACTION STEPS / SUGGESTIONS
- Reflect on whether you have a strict inner judge.
- Become increasingly aware of it.
- Discern between who is making the decision-you or the inner judge. When you have a decision to make.
- Observe it with curiosity and interest. Being aware of it will give it less power and give you more autonomy.
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