Working with Your Inner Judge: Part II

Last week I focused on how the Inner Judge comes into being and its effects. People have been responding to the survey questions and acknowledging that they have a strong inner judge. They've been asking, "Now that I realize this what should I do with my inner judge? How can I try to get rid of it?" Because it is so painful to have a harsh inner judge we often want to get rid of it. The inner judge came into existence many years ago and has been with you for many years. You are not going to "get rid of it". If you attempt to work with it like this you will create more inner conflict and experience greater pain.

CONVERSATIONS

We have many conversations throughout the day. The most prominent ones are the ones that we have with ourselves. We are so used to our inner voice that sometimes we don't even hear it or recognize it. Sometimes the voice has words, other times it is simply a feeling, such as "I am not good enough" or "I am bad". As such, it is extremely important to be aware of its presence and what it is saying or implying. For example, "you'll never get it right; you're so stupid; you're worthless; you can't do it." Given its false accusations and beliefs and that at this point it is pushing you more than you need or want you can engage in a dialogue with and try to reason with it. Request that it change its role and help you differently. Ask it to ease up and be more understanding and accepting. Explain that you don't need to be pushed and encouraged to the extent that it is doing so. Assertively explain that you are a hard-working and responsible person who is doing the best that she can do and that you can handle things on your own. Cite to yourself and your inner judge what your strengths are.

THE JUDGE AS AN ALLY

Consider what the upside of the inner judge might be. Its intention is likely to try to help you to achieve goals and to make improvements. It may also be attempting to try to keep you safe by inhibiting you from doing dangerous things. In this manner it is attempting to act like a guide who guides you to where you want to go. As such, you can see it as an ally. If you think of it like this you can then thank it for its efforts and acknowledge ways that it has helped you, and continues to help you.

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ACTION STEPS:

WAYS TO WORK WITH THE INNER JUDGE

• Understand how it was formed. This helps to normalize it and to relieve a sense that you are responsible for its existence (although you are not necessarily responsible for its existence you are responsible for how you handle it).
• Review last month's newsletter to understand how it came into being.
• Shine a light on it. Become increasingly aware its presence and what it is saying or implying
• Observe it with detachment, curiosity and interest as though it is separate from you. This will give it less power and give you more autonomy.
• Listen to what it is saying. Ask yourself is it really true or the judge's opinion. Reflect on your current level of functioning and on what you've accomplished in your life and you will likely see what the judge is saying is not true. Know that opinions are not facts!
• Reflect on how your have grown through the years and what you have accomplished and write these down.

In sum, having a strong inner judge is common and there are typical ways that it comes into existence. Acknowledging it, being aware of it, thanking it, seeing it as an ally and asking it to take on a different role are some ways to work more effectively with it.