Just about everyone I counsel speaks to me about dissatisfaction in their relationships that ranges from mild to extreme. They also talk about the challenges that exist in their relationships. They highlight communication difficulties, intimacy issues, boredom, lack of passion, mistrust, infidelity, constant arguing, misunderstandings, an inability to resolve conflicts, emotional abuse and violence. One partner wants to have more emotional intimacy, generally women, while another partner wants to have more sexual intimacy, generally men. People most often bring histories of failed relationships and histories of neglect, abuse and trauma into the relationship, which makes having a healthy relationship so very difficult.
It is extremely challenging to discern what is happening between people in the present and what is really one’s unresolved issues and history getting “acted out”. This all contributes to the challenges cited above and to high divorce rates. If issues are not resolved in one relationship they will be brought into the next relationship and repeated. Other times people stay together much longer than is fulfilling or healthy (especially when there is abuse and violence), spending decades in unhealthy situations.
Although relationships are very challenging, there are several things that can be done to improve them and to make them harmonious and fulfilling. Something that I think is essential, and frankly often overlooked is a cultivation of self awareness so that you can identify your habitual mental and emotional patterns and reactions. Also, so that you know what your internal conflicts and “issues” are. This will help you to know how your “buttons” get pushed and the types of habitual reactions that you have.
Too often people are focused on what the other person in their relationship is doing or how they are behaving without focusing on themselves. This results in a great deal of blame and is also a way to avoid taking responsibility. Knowing yourself and your patterns will be invaluable so that you don’t “project” or blame your challenges and reactions onto others. Instead of wanting others to change, see what you can change in your life. Accept responsibility for your actions and the impact that they have.
Another way to be self aware is to look for themes in your relationship(s) and determine whether they existed in other relationships. If you reflect on this you will likely see that you are repeating behaviors. Similar inner challenges that you have elsewhere and that you had in previous relationships are resurfacing.
Most people I speak with complain that they "don’t communicate well” and say that they "need to improve their communication”. In my practice I believe that if I can assist people with this that they’ll be able to discuss anything. Because of this I will often focus more on how people are communicating rather than on what they are communicating about. It is very important to listen closely to what is being said and reflect back what you heard. Pay attention to what is being said rather than preparing a defense or rebuttal. Be patient when listening. Allow the other person to finish what they are saying without interrupting them. Accept constructive criticism. Ask yourself if what is being said to you is true and, if so, see it as an opportunity to make healthy changes. Focus on yourself. Often people focus on others and want others to change. See what you can change. Accept responsibility for your actions and the impact that they have.
Another very important way to improve communication is to use “I” statements. Say “I feel _________ when you do __________” or “when you do _______ I feel _________”. Often people will begin a discussion with a “you” statement that often is blaming. This results in the listener becoming defensive and responding in a defensive and aggressive manner. I cannot stress how important this is. When I do workshops on relationships this is a major component of the discussion.
Being realistic of what you can hope for and expect from yourself and others is another way to improve relationships. Don’t expect others to meet all of your needs, to fill your “holes” or emptiness or to take your pain away. This only leads to disappointment. Sometimes people think that a relationship will make them happy when they are inherently unhappy. One cannot be happy in a relationship or happy with their partner if they are unhappy with or within themselves.
There will be value if you show appreciation for the person you are relating to verbally and/or with a hug, a short note or with something you know the other person will enjoy. Show appreciation for yourself also. Acknowledge the many things that you do through the day and appreciate yourself for your efforts.
Of significant importance in a relationship is to negotiate and compromise. Things cannot always go the way that we want them to. Putting aside our needs, at times, is healthy. If pressure is put on the other person, either subtly or overtly, to do what you want them to do resentment and anger will ensue. At the same time it is important for me to note that compromise does not imply that you regularly put aside your needs for the other person. This could be a form of “caretaking” which could also lead to anger and resentment.
It is also important to share psychic and physical space. Be mindful and respectful of the boundaries of others. This would include how much you wish to talk with the person you are involved with. I hear about, and witness when I am facilitating sessions, people who talk nonstop. They appear oblivious to this and to the effect it has on the person they speaking with, or, perhaps more accurately, at. People tell me that they often feel angry and/or overwhelmed or suffocated when this happens. I observe that they are looking around the room, tapping their foot, moving restlessly in their seat, etc. Here are some things to pay attention to in these situations:
- Watch the reactions of the person you are speaking with to gauge their attentiveness and whether they are listening to you.
- Timing of communication is also important. There is value in checking with the other person to see if now is a good time to talk, especially if it is something emotional.
- Sharing of physical space is also very important. Be mindful of leaving things lying around, the cleanliness of the space you share etc.
Often people focus on weaknesses and on what is not working. As such, it is will prove useful to focus on the strengths of your partner and the relationship (as well as yourself) rather than the weaknesses.
In today’s world people are often very busy and sometimes overwhelmed. It is common to lose touch with one’s partner. Setting aside time to talk and share regularly is a way to counteract this. When you do talk, learning about the interests and needs of your friend or partner and asking about these is another way to enhance relationships.
In sum, know that relationships are indeed very challenging. You are not alone. Understand that relationships change and evolve over time, that they have “ups and downs” and that they require time and attention. Know that if you incorporate the above suggestion that you will certainly improve your relationships. And know that in order to have a healthy relationship with someone else that you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself.
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