Healing Wellness Counseling

These Workshops Just Might Change Your Life!

2010-09-09T09:59:00.003-04:00

Right now, you could...
Reduce stress and anxiety in just minutes.
Gain control over emotional eating, smoking and other addictions.
Increase confidence and enhance personal well-being.
Become more confident and assertive.
People tell me that they are very busy and want to change their life in a hurry. They say that they feel differently from others, are struggling with very painful compulsions, having communication and relationship problems, judge themselves very harshly and feel isolated. They also say that they are suffering from depression and high levels of anxiety. People struggling like this have been getting great benefit from utilizing my Emotional Freedom Technique™ (EFT) seminars.

CALL AND REGISTER NOW
845-255-4175

Attend (one or both) Emotional Freedom Technique Seminars.

"I was struggling with emotional eating and it was very frustrating because I didn't know how to deal with it. With EFT, you helped me to get in touch with the underlying emotion that I was avoiding and you taught me how to free myself from it."

Annie
Los Angeles, CA

Introductory EFT Seminar
Wed. Sept. 15, 2010 | 7:00 - 8:15 PM
$15.00 Pre-Paid by Sept. 13th, $20.00 At the door

3-Hour EFT Seminar
Wed. Sept. 22, 2010 | 6:00 - 9:00 PM
$90.00 Pre-Paid by Sept. 20th, $110.00 After Sept 20th

Coping with Pain: Part 4

2010-08-05T10:00:00.001-04:00

Another way to cope with pain is through meditation. How thoughts create the experience we have in life. By changing our thoughts we change our experience.

Meditation helps us to change our thought patterns. Find a comfortable posture. Keep your back straight (but not rigid). Start with a few slow deep breaths. You can close your eyes if you wish. Follow your breath from its entry through the nose, down through the body and up and out through the body. You can also repeat the universal mantra OM on the in-breath and on the out-breath.

When you find your mind wandering and thinking about all sorts of things know that this is the nature of the mind and simply and gently bring your attention back to the breath and to OM. I would also like to suggest that you silently repeat this mantra through the day as you engage in your daily activities. This is a profound and deep practice that will help to center you and quiet your mind.

To learn more about meditation or if you want to chat with me just call 845-255-4175 or email me at jeff@healing-wellness-counseling.com to schedule a free 15 minute consult or to ask a question.

Coping with Pain: Part 3

2010-07-29T10:00:00.001-04:00

Another suggestion is to have a different perspective of pain than the one you do now. Many enlightened teachers talk about pain as a teacher and state that we can learn from pain. In his book The Prophet Kahlil Gibran says, “the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” When I reflect on this I think that he means that sorrow creates more of an opening in us so that we can feel more joy. As such, if we can be more open to our sorrow we’ll create more space to be joyful.

He goes on to say, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding” and that “it is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.” From my personal and professional experiences I recognize that due to our very deeply rooted habits and beliefs (the shell that encloses our understanding) that we often misunderstand things. So I take what Kahlil Gibran says to mean that we need pain to break our habits of misunderstanding and misperceptions. His perspective also seems to indicate that pain itself is healing. I interpret what he says to mean that it is much healthier for us to be open to pain, to learn to sit with it instead of trying to get rid of it or “numb” ourselves.

In terms of “sitting with it” you can focus your attention on the pain that you are experiencing. Try to focus on it without focusing on what triggered it. Breathe into the pain. By focusing on it and by allowing it to be there you will likely see that it dissipates.

Coping with Pain: Part 2

2010-07-22T10:00:00.002-04:00

Learning and utilizing releasing techniques like the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and the Sedona Method is another way to cope with pain. EFT is an emotional version of acupuncture except that needles are not necessary. By gently tapping on well-established energy meridians in the body in conjunction with repeating phrases that highlight the struggle that you are having helps to release painful emotions. The Sedona Method is a means of asking yourself gentle probing questions that basically helps you to allow yourself to have the experience that you are having (rather than fighting it). We so often try to not feel what we are experiencing, whether it is anger, fear, loneliness, sadness, jealousy, greed etc. Allowing ourselves to feel these, instead of repressing them and/or judging the emotions (and usually ourselves for having them) diminishes the pain and suffering.

Want to make Changes Quickly and Easily?

2010-07-19T08:30:00.001-04:00

People often tell me that they are very busy and want to change their life in a hurry. I help them do this. If you want to make changes quickly as well I can help you utilizing the Emotional Freedom Technique. Recently folks who have attended introductory Emotional Freedom Technique™ (EFT) seminars along with in-depth three hour EFT Groups have said, “EFT will help me to release difficult emotions instead of repressing them or releasing them inappropriately”, “EFT is a great tool, quick and easy”, and that is it “empowering to know that there is something to use that’s (so) quick”.

As a follow-up to these workshops and the work that I am doing in my practice I will be facilitating another introductory class where you will be able to:Gain freedom from even the most intense emotional issues.
Reduce stress and anxiety in just minutes.
Gain control over emotional eating, smoking and other addictions.
Increase confidence and enhance personal peace and well-being.
Overcome phobias
"I was struggling with emotional eating and it was very frustrating because I didn't know how to deal with it. With EFT, you helped me to get in touch with the underlying emotion that I was avoiding and you taught me how to free myself from it."

Annie
Los Angeles, CA

CALL AND REGISTER NOW
845-255-4175

Introductory Workshop
Wed. July 21, 2010 | 7:15 - 8:30 PM
$10.00 Pre-Paid by July 19th, $15.00 At the door

Coping with Pain: Part 1

2010-07-15T10:00:00.001-04:00

In our culture we often tend to look for a “quick fix” and want to “get rid” of pain as quickly as possible. Most people want to get rid of pain and avoid it. We see this by the large numbers of people who are compulsively shopping, drinking, drugging, overeating and gambling. Having affairs and sexual compulsions are additional forms of avoiding pain. Engaging in self-injurious behavior is yet another example. However, wanting to “get rid” of it creates an internal fight that likely actually makes the pain worse.

It is very important to develop coping strategies that can be used for the rest of your life to deal with pain and problems more effectively. One suggestion is to observe your pain with curiosity and interest. Put your attention on the pain rather than focusing on what is causing it. Allow yourself to feel it. This will create some distance between you and the pain and hopefully less identification with it. This will give the pain less power and give you greater autonomy.

Group Therapy Part 4: How is it Structured?

2010-07-08T10:00:00.001-04:00

A group usually has five to ten people, but this can vary. The group usually meets weekly for 75 or 90 minutes, though I have also facilitated half-day and all-day groups that meet only once.

Members of a therapy group agree that everything said, as well as the identities of those in attendance, will remain completely confidential. They also agree to relate to one another in a respectful manner.

These guidelines help to establish trust and safety, creating an atmosphere in which each individual feels more comfortable sharing.

Think of the therapy group as a kind of laboratory where we experiment with new behaviors and perspectives. In this safe space, you can create a vision of your ideal life and identify actions to create it. This has proven to be very effective for the participants.

It is important to note that for most people who resist being in a group once they enter it they often say that they are glad that they did and wonder why they waited so long. The support, encouragement and input that folks receive which results in transformation happens consistently and is heartwarming to watch and be a part of.

There are on-going groups and workshops, so call me at 845-255-4175 or send me an email at jeff@healing-wellness-counseling.com. to find out more about them.

Group Therapy Part 3: How Does Group Therapy Work

2010-07-01T10:00:00.001-04:00

My groups are general counseling/relationship issues groups where you can address any issue that you are struggling with. All challenges are welcome to be raised. You will receive support and input about your struggle and be treated with kindness and respect.

A typical group session will begin with each person taking two minutes to "check-in", then we will re-visit any issues, concerns, or questions discussed in previous sessions.

Following this, we may have a general discussion about a common concern, respond to a member's request to explore and resolve a specific issue, or focus on how the members of the group are relating to each other.

In my experience over two decades, I have found that a combination of individual and group therapy sessions is the most effective way to resolve difficulties.

There are on-going groups and workshops, so call me at 845-255-4175 or send me an email at jeff@healing-wellness-counseling.com. to find out more about them.

Group Therapy Part 2: What Are Some of the Changes People Have Made As a Result of Being in Group?

2010-06-24T10:00:00.003-04:00

Leaving abusive relationships and entering healthy relationships.

Overcoming fears pursuing dreams, making career changes.

Breaking patterns of acquiescing to others.

Learning to identify and meet needs and goals.

Overcoming addictions (including drugs and alcohol, gambling, emotional eating, sexual compulsions, overspending etc.) raising self-esteem.

Group Therapy Part 1: What Benefits Do You Get Out of Your Group Therapy Session?

2010-06-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

In my many years as a counselor I've observed that most people who are in a state of struggle have something in common: they feel alone and isolated, like no one understands what they're going through.

But when you’re in a group with others, for a common purpose, you can start to more effectively address common challenges, and you’ll soon realize that your struggles are ones that many people often have. Knowing that you are not alone will be a great comfort to you as you work to end these struggles.

Listed below are some of the benefits of group therapy:

You’ll be helping each member gain new insight into their individual issues which will help you gain insight into your own challenges.
You’ll be a vital part of a very effective group process, which helps people to learn more about healthy ways to communicate, give and receive input, experiment with new behaviors and manage relationships healthily and effectively.
You will learn and practice assertiveness and conflict resolution skills, identify strengths and weaknesses and improve your communication skills.
You will reduce your sense of isolation, feel supported, improve your relationship skills, and raise your level of confidence and self esteem.
You will have an opportunity to create a vision of how you’d like your ideal life to be and identify actions to create it.

There are on-going groups and workshops, so call me at 845-255-4175 or send me an email at jeff@healing-wellness-counseling.com. to find out more about them.

6 questions to ask a potential therapist

2010-05-26T10:00:00.004-04:00

Finding the right therapist can seem overwhelming, but by asking six simple questions, you can decrease your stress and raise the likelihood of quickly locating someone who meets your needs. In my 24 years of experience, I have observed many people struggling with how to interview potential therapists. They may be afraid to ask questions, not know what to ask, procrastinate, and not reach out because it is so confusing and overwhelming.

Because a therapist generally will provide a few free minutes to determine if you would work well together, he or she already has a list of questions for you. Prepare by having your own questions as well. Remember this is a collaboration, and both parties must be compatible. These questions can be asked in any order:

1. How do you facilitate sessions?... READ MORE HERE

BY JEFF SCHNEIDER • NOVEMBER 1, 2009

Poughkeepsie Journal

Visualizations, gratitude help fight anxiety

2010-05-19T10:05:00.002-04:00

This is an article I wrote for the Poughkeepsie Journal on anxiety. I hope you find it helpful.

Question: I am generally rather anxious and nervous. With the economy the way it is, I have been more anxious than usual. How can I can lower my anxiety?

Answer: It is understandable your anxiety is higher than usual given the state of the economy and the world in general.

Self-employed people tell me their business is down. Some talk about the pain of needing to lay off loyal and hardworking employees. Consultants tell me they are afraid their contracts will not be renewed. People unemployed after years of steady work talk about the challenges of finding comparable positions, considering new careers and struggling with the question of what they'd like to do. READ MORE HERE...

For more information on my practice - Healing Wellness Counseling, visit my website, call me at 845-255-4175 or email me at jeff@healing-wellness-counseling.com

How to Effectively Handle Stress and Depression

2010-05-12T10:00:00.002-04:00

When people feel an uncomfortable level of stress and/or feel depressed, they often feel tired, lonely and hopeless. Sometimes they may even feel worthless. This often results in their isolating themselves from those they care about and those who most care about them. This actually perpetuates the pain, loneliness and despair. This is what makes staying connected extremely important. Maintaining contact with others by phone, email, notes, face to face contact, text messaging etc. will lessen the pain while isolation deepens depression and stress.

Seeking professional help can also be invaluable. There are times when stress and depression can manifest in very unhealthy behaviors, including drug and alcohol abuse, overeating, not eating, insomnia, staying in bed all day, gambling, violence, self-mutilation. At this time professional help is needed and can prove to be invaluable.

At the furthest end of the spectrum regarding stress and depression is when a person has suicidal thoughts and/or intentions. At this point it is highly recommended that a person call 911, a local hospital or a local mental health clinic, some of which have mobile mental health units to visit with extended hours.

Something very simple to try when feeling stress depression is to smile. Studies show that this simple act can contribute to altering your mood.

In today’s very busy world of emails, faxes, instant messaging, multi-tasking and constant striving, it is easy to feel high levels of stress and depression. It therefore becomes very important to set priorities. Identify what needs to be done in the order it needs to be done. Make tasks manageable by doing one thing at a time and by scheduling tasks at specific times. Create a structure in which you can be focused and productive.

One thing that I have regularly seen as a clinician is the tendency to “beat ourselves up” for what we don’t do and for what we don’t get done. This too contributes to depression and anxiety. It is very important to watch for this tendency and catch it when it arises. A way to modify it is to be kind and loving to yourself and to acknowledge yourself. Congratulate yourself after you complete tasks and appreciate your efforts. Keeping a list of your efforts and tasks completed is helpful too. You may even wish to give yourself a healthy treat after you put forth effort and complete a task.

Another way to handle stress and depression effectively is to exercise. Movement and aerobics stimulate endorphins which makes us feel good. This also leads to greater energy to attend to the tasks that need to be done. Now we are able to work more effectively.

Also, you can handle stress and depression effectively through laughter. Watch funny movies or sitcoms. Laughter decreases stress hormones and activates cells that boost the immune system.

It also feels great!

Keeping a journal can also be therapeutic. Writing about your thoughts and feelings can often be a way to release painful emotions. You can start by writing “I feel…, I am…., I wish…, I want…, I hope…, I see… Write in a free flowing thought process without concern for grammar, how it sounds, etc.

Often people have a habit of focusing on what things are not working rather than on what are. As such, it is useful to change your focus and focus on what is working rather than on what is not working. Focus on the healthy instead of the unhealthy and the positive rather than the negative.

A powerful and profound way to manage stress and depression effectively is to write a gratitude list. Identify and list what you are grateful for. This can be done daily or once in awhile. List the little things too as well as those you may take for granted (like having hot water and modern plumbing).

At the end of the day thank yourself for your efforts and the things that you have done during the day, even those that are mundane and ordinary.

Meditation is yet another way to manage stress and depression. It calms the mind/body, lowers blood pressure, and energizes you. People will often tell me “I can’t meditate. When I try I can’t get rid of my thoughts”. Or, “when I meditate I think of a million things”. Please know that it is the nature of the mind to move and think. We can’t get rid of our thoughts. Simply bring your attention back to what you are focusing on. (Well, this could be another article in itself).

Changing our posture can change your state too. Walk with a bounce, sit straight rather than slouched, keep your head up.

A very simply way to manage stress and depression is to breathe deeply and to take deep breaths throughout the day.

Being in nature is yet another way to help us feel calm and relaxed. When you can’t be in it, think of it. Seeing or visualizing the sky will calm the mind, seeing or visualizing water will calm the emotions and seeing or visualizing the mountains will increase grounding and stability.

A very profound way to overcome emotional challenges is to learn the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)®. It is an easy approach to learn and can be done anywhere. Visit www.emofree.com to read about it.

Depression and stress can often be related to repressing anger, sadness, fear and loneliness. It is therefore important to express your thoughts and feelings. This can be done verbally and/or by writing in a journal (see above).

There are all different degrees and depths of depression. Some can be handled on our own while others are deeper and debilitating. When depression reaches this point it is essential to seek professional help. Depression is a treatable condition. Professional help can also help you to learn healthy coping skills which will help you to lower your stress and overcome depression.

This Workshop Just Might Change Your Life!

2010-05-10T09:34:00.009-04:00

Recently I have had the privilege of facilitating several introductory Emotional Freedom Technique™ (EFT) workshops along with an in-depth three-week EFT Group. You might have been one of the people to attend these. The Emotional Freedom Technique™ (EFT) stimulates the body's energy system, allowing painful emotions to be released. This very simple tapping technique has been called "acupuncture without needles." In these workshops folks experienced the profound power of EFT and realized how easy it is to learn and use. They experienced relief from physical and emotional pain. Using EFT in my practice with my clients has helped them to release grief, handle anger more effectively, address and heal from childhood traumas (without re-living them), diminish depression (including suicidal thoughts) and curb emotional eating, to name a few things.

As a follow-up to these workshops and the work that I am doing in my practice I will be facilitating two more workshops where you will be able to: Gain freedom from even the most intense emotional issues.
Reduce stress and anxiety in just minutes.
Gain control over emotional eating, smoking and other addictions.
Increase confidence and enhance personal peace and well-being.
Overcome phobias
Please take a moment to consider how your relationships, finances, career and health would be different if you experienced these benefits. Call me at 845-255-4175 to register for the workshops. Please send payment to 1585 Old Ford Rd. New Paltz, NY 12561

"Recently I engaged Jeff to experience the Emotional Freedom Technique. Jeff was completely supportive in shifting my energy and outlook! Complete, amazing, total, and immediate transformation occurred following our session. I went from being stuck and nearly paralyzed with fear to seeing possibilities, breaking out of the fear, re-shifting my "energy" and focus and taking action. I have stepped into my power and am incredibly grateful to Jeff for his expertise and talent."

Janet Wise
Founder/CEO WISE Solutions
CALL AND REGISTER NOW
845-255-4175
Attend (one or both)
**Please send Payments to: 1585 Old Ford Rd, New Paltz, NY 12561**

Introductory Workshop
Wed. May 12, 2010 | 7:15 - 8:30 PM
$10.00 Pre-Paid by May 12th, $15.00 At the door

Follow Up, In-Depth Workshop
Sat. May 15, 2010 | 10 AM-1 PM
$90.00 Pre-Paid by May 12th, $110.00 After May 12th

How to Handle Challenges in a Relationship

2010-05-05T10:00:00.003-04:00

Just about everyone I counsel speaks to me about dissatisfaction in their relationships that ranges from mild to extreme. They also talk about the challenges that exist in their relationships. They highlight communication difficulties, intimacy issues, boredom, lack of passion, mistrust, infidelity, constant arguing, misunderstandings, an inability to resolve conflicts, emotional abuse and violence. One partner wants to have more emotional intimacy, generally women, while another partner wants to have more sexual intimacy, generally men. People most often bring histories of failed relationships and histories of neglect, abuse and trauma into the relationship, which makes having a healthy relationship so very difficult.

It is extremely challenging to discern what is happening between people in the present and what is really one’s unresolved issues and history getting “acted out”. This all contributes to the challenges cited above and to high divorce rates. If issues are not resolved in one relationship they will be brought into the next relationship and repeated. Other times people stay together much longer than is fulfilling or healthy (especially when there is abuse and violence), spending decades in unhealthy situations.

Although relationships are very challenging, there are several things that can be done to improve them and to make them harmonious and fulfilling. Something that I think is essential, and frankly often overlooked is a cultivation of self awareness so that you can identify your habitual mental and emotional patterns and reactions. Also, so that you know what your internal conflicts and “issues” are. This will help you to know how your “buttons” get pushed and the types of habitual reactions that you have.

Too often people are focused on what the other person in their relationship is doing or how they are behaving without focusing on themselves. This results in a great deal of blame and is also a way to avoid taking responsibility. Knowing yourself and your patterns will be invaluable so that you don’t “project” or blame your challenges and reactions onto others. Instead of wanting others to change, see what you can change in your life. Accept responsibility for your actions and the impact that they have.

Another way to be self aware is to look for themes in your relationship(s) and determine whether they existed in other relationships. If you reflect on this you will likely see that you are repeating behaviors. Similar inner challenges that you have elsewhere and that you had in previous relationships are resurfacing.

Most people I speak with complain that they "don’t communicate well” and say that they "need to improve their communication”. In my practice I believe that if I can assist people with this that they’ll be able to discuss anything. Because of this I will often focus more on how people are communicating rather than on what they are communicating about. It is very important to listen closely to what is being said and reflect back what you heard. Pay attention to what is being said rather than preparing a defense or rebuttal. Be patient when listening. Allow the other person to finish what they are saying without interrupting them. Accept constructive criticism. Ask yourself if what is being said to you is true and, if so, see it as an opportunity to make healthy changes. Focus on yourself. Often people focus on others and want others to change. See what you can change. Accept responsibility for your actions and the impact that they have.

Another very important way to improve communication is to use “I” statements. Say “I feel _________ when you do __________” or “when you do _______ I feel _________”. Often people will begin a discussion with a “you” statement that often is blaming. This results in the listener becoming defensive and responding in a defensive and aggressive manner. I cannot stress how important this is. When I do workshops on relationships this is a major component of the discussion.

Being realistic of what you can hope for and expect from yourself and others is another way to improve relationships. Don’t expect others to meet all of your needs, to fill your “holes” or emptiness or to take your pain away. This only leads to disappointment. Sometimes people think that a relationship will make them happy when they are inherently unhappy. One cannot be happy in a relationship or happy with their partner if they are unhappy with or within themselves.

There will be value if you show appreciation for the person you are relating to verbally and/or with a hug, a short note or with something you know the other person will enjoy. Show appreciation for yourself also. Acknowledge the many things that you do through the day and appreciate yourself for your efforts.

Of significant importance in a relationship is to negotiate and compromise. Things cannot always go the way that we want them to. Putting aside our needs, at times, is healthy. If pressure is put on the other person, either subtly or overtly, to do what you want them to do resentment and anger will ensue. At the same time it is important for me to note that compromise does not imply that you regularly put aside your needs for the other person. This could be a form of “caretaking” which could also lead to anger and resentment.

It is also important to share psychic and physical space. Be mindful and respectful of the boundaries of others. This would include how much you wish to talk with the person you are involved with. I hear about, and witness when I am facilitating sessions, people who talk nonstop. They appear oblivious to this and to the effect it has on the person they speaking with, or, perhaps more accurately, at. People tell me that they often feel angry and/or overwhelmed or suffocated when this happens. I observe that they are looking around the room, tapping their foot, moving restlessly in their seat, etc. Here are some things to pay attention to in these situations:

Watch the reactions of the person you are speaking with to gauge their attentiveness and whether they are listening to you.
Timing of communication is also important. There is value in checking with the other person to see if now is a good time to talk, especially if it is something emotional.
Sharing of physical space is also very important. Be mindful of leaving things lying around, the cleanliness of the space you share etc.

Often people focus on weaknesses and on what is not working. As such, it is will prove useful to focus on the strengths of your partner and the relationship (as well as yourself) rather than the weaknesses.

In today’s world people are often very busy and sometimes overwhelmed. It is common to lose touch with one’s partner. Setting aside time to talk and share regularly is a way to counteract this. When you do talk, learning about the interests and needs of your friend or partner and asking about these is another way to enhance relationships.

In sum, know that relationships are indeed very challenging. You are not alone. Understand that relationships change and evolve over time, that they have “ups and downs” and that they require time and attention. Know that if you incorporate the above suggestion that you will certainly improve your relationships. And know that in order to have a healthy relationship with someone else that you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself.

Working with Your Inner Judge: Part II

2010-04-29T10:00:00.000-04:00

Last week I focused on how the Inner Judge comes into being and its effects. People have been responding to the survey questions and acknowledging that they have a strong inner judge. They've been asking, "Now that I realize this what should I do with my inner judge? How can I try to get rid of it?" Because it is so painful to have a harsh inner judge we often want to get rid of it. The inner judge came into existence many years ago and has been with you for many years. You are not going to "get rid of it". If you attempt to work with it like this you will create more inner conflict and experience greater pain.

CONVERSATIONS

We have many conversations throughout the day. The most prominent ones are the ones that we have with ourselves. We are so used to our inner voice that sometimes we don't even hear it or recognize it. Sometimes the voice has words, other times it is simply a feeling, such as "I am not good enough" or "I am bad". As such, it is extremely important to be aware of its presence and what it is saying or implying. For example, "you'll never get it right; you're so stupid; you're worthless; you can't do it." Given its false accusations and beliefs and that at this point it is pushing you more than you need or want you can engage in a dialogue with and try to reason with it. Request that it change its role and help you differently. Ask it to ease up and be more understanding and accepting. Explain that you don't need to be pushed and encouraged to the extent that it is doing so. Assertively explain that you are a hard-working and responsible person who is doing the best that she can do and that you can handle things on your own. Cite to yourself and your inner judge what your strengths are.

THE JUDGE AS AN ALLY

Consider what the upside of the inner judge might be. Its intention is likely to try to help you to achieve goals and to make improvements. It may also be attempting to try to keep you safe by inhibiting you from doing dangerous things. In this manner it is attempting to act like a guide who guides you to where you want to go. As such, you can see it as an ally. If you think of it like this you can then thank it for its efforts and acknowledge ways that it has helped you, and continues to help you.

ACTION STEPS:

WAYS TO WORK WITH THE INNER JUDGE

Understand how it was formed. This helps to normalize it and to relieve a sense that you are responsible for its existence (although you are not necessarily responsible for its existence you are responsible for how you handle it).
Review last month's newsletter to understand how it came into being.
Shine a light on it. Become increasingly aware its presence and what it is saying or implying
Observe it with detachment, curiosity and interest as though it is separate from you. This will give it less power and give you more autonomy.
Listen to what it is saying. Ask yourself is it really true or the judge's opinion. Reflect on your current level of functioning and on what you've accomplished in your life and you will likely see what the judge is saying is not true. Know that opinions are not facts!
Reflect on how your have grown through the years and what you have accomplished and write these down.

In sum, having a strong inner judge is common and there are typical ways that it comes into existence. Acknowledging it, being aware of it, thanking it, seeing it as an ally and asking it to take on a different role are some ways to work more effectively with it.

Upcoming Healing Wellness Workshops

2010-04-28T10:02:00.004-04:00

Power of the Group: The Benefits of Therapy in a Group Format

2010-04-19T13:55:00.003-04:00

In the 23 years that I have been facilitating therapy groups, there have been certain consistencies. One is that the experience is helpful, uplifting, and healing for most people who enter the process. I have had the honor of witnessing people utilize group therapy for such diverse benefits as leaving abusive relationships, entering healthy relationships, pursuing dreams, making career changes, breaking patterns of acquiescing to others, learning to identify and meet needs and goals, overcoming addictions, raising self-esteem, overcoming fears, and developing spirituality. Another consistency, however, is that people unfamiliar with group therapy have not understood this unique therapeutic form, and therefore have been reluctant to enter a group.

So, what is a therapy group? Simply stated, it is when a therapist works with several people at once for a common purpose, typically to address common challenges or problems. A group usually has five to ten people, but this can vary. Usually the group meets weekly, though I have also facilitated half-day and all-day groups that meet only once. Members of a therapy group agree that everything said will remain confidential and that the identities of those who attend will also remain confidential. They also agree to relate to one another in a respectful manner. These guidelines contribute to establishing trust and safety, which creates an atmosphere where they feel more comfortable sharing.

Therapists will each facilitate their groups somewhat differently, but to give you a better understanding of what group therapy is like, here’s what I do. I usually start with a check-in, during which each member has about two minutes to say how he or she is, and what their week has been like. I encourage them to be concise and to focus on themselves rather than sharing excessive details. The check-in gives a feel for who might be struggling and who is at ease. Next, participants share their reflections and insights from any previous group meeting, ask questions, and follow up on any unfinished business. I then “open the floor” to see who would like to describe a challenge that he or she is struggling with. Other group members then ask questions to help the person explore the problem, consider different viewpoints, and contemplate solutions. We might use role-playing as well.

Therapy groups can have a particular focus, such as healing from sexual trauma, eating disorders, substance abuse, and other topics. Or, the group can be open to address any challenges or problems that come up. (The latter approach is the one I prefer to facilitate.) Examples of the many issues that group members work on are relationship problems, depression, anxiety, anger management, self-esteem, parenting challenges, sexual addiction, caring for aging parents, divorce, phobias, career difficulties, coping with illness of oneself or a loved one, overcoming procrastination, inability to identify and meet one’s needs, coping with a family member’s addiction, spiritual seeking, feeling unworthy and “empty,” and healing from trauma. Addressing any one of these often improves all aspects of one’s life.

The group process is different in several ways from individual psychotherapy. Here are some examples of what

can emerge from the group process:

Experimenting with new behaviors. The group can be utilized as a laboratory where people can try new behaviors to determine how effective they might be. For example, a person can practice different ways to be supportive, to express anger, to be assertive, or to be vulnerable.

Identifying strengths and weaknesses. Group members help one another discovering weaknesses and strengths. For example, some people believe they are poor communicators. Yet the group might give them input that they, in fact, communicate clearly and directly. This would help a person understand that a perceived weakness is actually a strength. Conversely, a person might believe they communicate clearly. The group might give them input that they are verbose and digressive, and that listening to them results in loss of attention and feelings of frustration. This would help a person to understand that a perceived strength is actually a weakness, and help them to modify their communication style. The group can also validate that one’s perception of strengths and weaknesses are accurate.

Learning conflict resolution skills. As in any group of people, conflict arises in the therapeutic group. By focusing on the group process in the present moment, members learn healthy conflict resolution skills. In fact, discussing the dynamics and tendencies of the group is often more valuable than discussing the specifics of situations the members bring to the sessions.

Normalizing feelings and problems. When a person talks about a painful struggle, an abusive past, or actions they aren’t happy about, others in the group often reveal similar stories or feelings. Clients repeatedly say, “I never knew others felt this way,” or “It’s such a relief to know I’m not alone.” This revelation decreases their sense of isolation and shame. Shame can be more damaging to the person than the problem that produced it.

Re-creating and working through patterns. Groups serve as a microcosm of society. How a person acts, communicates, and relates to others in a therapy group is very likely how they behave at work, at home, with friends, in their family, and so on. I have seen this many times. An example is a person who interrupts and talks over others. By identifying this behavior in the group, and hearing how it affects others, the person learns that this is a destructive pattern. The group session often reveals that interrupting is a manifestation of anxiety, or a strong need to be heard. The group and I will help the person learn to be more patient and to respond in healthy, respectful, and effective ways.

Discovering family roles. Groups are also like a family. Members tend to “play out” roles they have played in their family of origin (the one they grew up in). Someone who has grown up in a dysfunctional family has learned unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms. The group enables such a person to understand the role she or he plays, and to modify it as needed. Examples of this would be acting as caretaker, mediator, scapegoat, hero, victim, parent, or child. Or, the person may be overly aggressive/assertive, or overly passive. It is fascinating to see how these roles carry through into daily life outside the family, and it is uplifting to see people modify them once they recognize the pattern.

Through the years of facilitating groups, I have seen how committed participants become to their own growth and development, as well as to that of the other group members. One reflection of this is that they come to hold others accountable while also taking responsibility for their own growth. As a result, members attend sessions quite consistently. That increases the connection among them, which elevates their trust and willingness to share openly and honestly. They learn to give and receive honest and constructive feedback. They also learn important group skills, such as effective conflict resolution and negotiation skills, a willingness to try new things, and getting one’s needs met in a healthy manner. What’s more, the group therapy participants have been able to take these newly developed skills and insights back into their lives, and become happier and healthier people.

Understanding Your Inner Judge: Part I

2010-04-16T10:00:00.005-04:00

Many people who I work with and who I know personally struggle with having a strict inner critic or judge. They wonder how this came into being and what its effects are.

THE INNER JUDGE:

is consistently punitive,harsh, critical, condemning and belittling.
has an incessant demand for better conduct and more achievement.
is overly strict, punitive and forbidding and therefore restricts freedom of action
is an internalization of parental and societal disapproval and rebuke.
is often unconscious which makes it more powerful, hurtful and insidious.

WHO THE INNER JUDGE BECOMES ESTABLISHED IN:

Children who grew up with parents and/or caregivers, including teachers and spiritual advisors, who were consistently critical, condemning and belittling, intolerant of short comings, intolerant of children simply being or acting like children, intrusive of physical and/or emotionally and/or sexual boundaries, narcissistic and egocentric (essentially they were overly involved with themselves and could not focus on their child) and emotionally distant, who exploited their children, could not provide emotional nurturance, who put forth incessant demands for better conduct and more achievement, yelled and screamed, had rigid expectations and who unfavorably compared their child to others.

EFFECTS OF THE INNER JUDGE

Having a strong inner judge and this type of personality structure results in high levels of anxiety, depression and guilt, all of which contributes to disturbances of mood. Quite often a person may feel like
this and not know why. As such, it is a “free floating” pain not necessarily associated with an event or situation. It results in feeling low grade anger and/or in bursts of fury. The anger will often exceed what the situation warrants. It manifests as hopelessness and chronic disappointment. Even when on the surface there is reason to be hopeful a person isn't and even when things are going well a person will feel chronically disappointed. Because there are consistent unrealistic expectations a person is set up for failure. They simply cannot succeed because their expectations are unrealistic and unachievable.

No matter what one does it is not enough, no matter how one is, it is not good enough, no matter how one performs they feel like they fall short. Because a person is afraid to fail or make a mistake they often don’t take action (this might even include something that is fun). People will also believe that they are making
mistakes when they aren’t. They will think that they did poorly on a test or with a presentation yet their grade or feedback will contradict this. Yet, when positive feedback is given it is often disbelieved. Or they may be overly afraid of making mistakes. This fear will often prevent them from taking healthy action. And they often feel that the job they are doing will be criticized.

Once again no matter what they do or how they are or how things are it is not good enough. A person may fee chronically guilty about what they are, or not, doing. This could be simply when they are caring for themselves, setting healthy limits or saying no to a request. A person with a strong inner critic also has difficulty relaxing and having fun. There is an underlying sense of dis-ease and dread. When someone wants to spend time with them they feel unworthy and question the person’s motivation. They might ask themselves, “Why would anyone want to spend time with me?; Other people see and feel their
goodness yet they cannot. Also very present is a very strong sense of shame. It is important to differentiate between guilt and shame. Guilt relates to feeling badly about what someone does or does not do while shame is related to who someone is and how they feel about themselves. What we do varies and fluctuates. Who we are and how we feel about ourselves is more permanent.

As such, while guilt and shame are both painful, shame is the deeper and more pervasive pain. So, as you can see, there is an explanation for how the inner judge comes into being and for the pain that it causes.

ACTION STEPS / SUGGESTIONS

Reflect on whether you have a strict inner judge.
Become increasingly aware of it.
Discern between who is making the decision-you or the inner judge. When you have a decision to make.
Observe it with curiosity and interest. Being aware of it will give it less power and give you more autonomy.

How to Beat Holiday Stress

2009-12-25T14:27:00.000-05:00

Depression and Anxiety

This is the time of year that there is a lot of focus on the holidays and holiday celebrations. People often feel that they are “supposed” to feel happy and joyful, but instead they feel lonely, anxious, overwhelmed and depressed.

MANY people speak with me about having these feelings and concerns. I also hear from people that they are feeling more depressed and down during this time of the year not only because of the holidays but because of the shorter day as well. Having less light adversely affects many people, some of whom suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Some people are nervous in social situations which compounds anxiety and depression. Are you suffering from anxiety or depression?

Parenting Concerns

Some parents worry that their children may have a “meltdown” or be uncooperative. They worry whether they will be able to handle this effectively and be able to support and love them if they act like this? And if any of this happens some ask, “How does this reflect on me as a parent”? As people generally struggle with feelings of unworthiness and of feeling like a failure, these will likely be reinforced if their children have some challenges.

Fear of Judgment

Additionally, people are afraid that their family will judge them and say, or imply, that they are a bad parent. Are you a parent that has these fears? Or, even more pointedly, might you be a parent who possibly harshly judges your child? Others are afraid that they will be judged about how they look and how their home looks and about whether the meal they spent hours preparing will be enjoyed.

Family Dysfunctions

Others worry that there will be fighting and arguing at a gathering. For some this remains verbal, for
others, it becomes physical. Whichever it is, it is scary and disappointing. Yet others worry that a family member will get drunk and/or high and then act in an embarrassing and/or hurtful way. Others worry that the people they are relating to will be self-centered or narcissistic, and take interest only in themselves. They want to have an intimate connection yet the other person appears incapable of this.

Compulsions and Addictions

Others worry that they might be inclined to overeat and/or engage in emotional eating. People who are in recovery worry that they might relapse by resuming drinking and/or drugging.

Financial Worries

Financial concerns and gift giving are additional big worries. Of course this has been exacerbated by the
state of the economy and by people some people losing their job. People think, “How much money should I spend on holiday gifts? Who should I get gifts for? Will they like my gifts?” They worry what people might think of them if they give less than usual.

Loneliness and Grief

Others feel great pain because they are not in a relationship and might not have family or friends close by and therefore feel deeply alone and lonely. On the flip side are people who have been in long term relationships which have recently ended. Anger, grief, sadness, uncertainty and guilt are common feelings in these situations. Some people feel pain because a loved one died during this time of the year and the anniversary of their death is marked.

Others Share Your Pain

People’s pain is often compounded by feeling like they are the only one with the concerns that they have. It is extremely important to know that others share your concerns, have similar anxieties and that your worries are likely very typical. Know that when you look into the eyes of a stranger that they are experiencing what you are experiencing in one form or another.

Practical Tips and Actions

• Contemplate what the holidays mean to you. Do things that are congruent with your wants, needs and values and do them with the people with whom you want to spend time with.

• Know that you can’t control other people’s behaviors. You can only control your own and how you respond to what others do and say.

• Think about how you’d like to respond to situations that concern you. Think about your customary response and the effect that it has had. If you want a different outcome you will need to do something differently. There is a saying that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same things and expecting different results.

• Keep the focus on yourself and take responsibility for yourself.

• Be mindful of what you want and need. Balance these with giving to others.

• Take your own vehicle if you are concerned that things might become too uncomfortable or unmanageable at your destination. Or, if you are not driving, know what the public transportation schedule is. Or, perhaps have an arrangement with a friend who can pick you up if need be.

• Attend Alanon for Naranon meetings if your loved one has a drinking or drug problem.

• Attend Alcoholics and/or Narcotics Anonymous if you struggle with alcohol or drug use.

• Utilize your support system.

• Be moderate. Allow yourself to have a good time without overindulging and without being too strict.

• Be realistic. Spend the amount of money that is affordable. If you use a credit card charge only the amount of money that you know that you can pay when the bill becomes due. If you can’t give the amount of material gifts that you usually give consider speaking with your friends and family about this.

• Let go of something. This could be a task or an emotional tendency.

• Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal

• Take deep breaths through the day.

• Compile a gratitude list, written or mentally.

• Be in nature or visualize being in it.

• Read something uplifting.

• Exercise walk, stretch or dance.

• Identify your feelings and allow yourself to feel them.

• Have fun